Dependency

Today, was an adventure.

It started off with plans, hopes and a list of things to do. Things were running smoothly, I got my clothes washed and it looked like I would be able to get everything settled before going home!

Then some changes came in - well, just one. But this was a reasonable change, I understood why it had to come - I did but it did hurt, because it felt like I was being pushed aside. Well, maybe that person didn't mean to push me aside totally, I had no idea what that person intended to do - but I came up with my own plan, which was to take care of things myself.

Maybe this was God's way of shaking me up and making me realise that I was depending too much on one person. And after all, that person is a person - not God. Therefore, I can't expect that person to be dependable all the time - circumstances change and I can't be the centre of the world all the time!

However, some very hurtful words came.. more than necessary. Words which had implications for the future, words which added salt to the wound.

It was an adventurous day - I met up with a primary school mate whom I hadn't met for 10 years, I passed a taxi stand where a man was protesting/complaining about the taxis using a loudspeaker, I got to know a shopkeeper I've been going to several times a little better and.. I walked a whole lot! Sweated buckets.

That was my day. My second last day in Kuching, Sarawak.

I'll miss this place, but it's good to be going home for a while.

Maybe the three weeks will give us time to think, about those words said.

Words.

Testing Testing

When times of trials and troubles come,

The question will be answered -

"What is my relationship based on?".

Lord, have mercy

Father,

I lay it all at your feet - my guilt, my shame, my mistakes, things I've said that might have offended others and might have been incorrect or biased.

Forgive me Father for saying things that are not helpful but hurtful.

Lord, please use me for good and let me not be used for evil.

Let me bring Your healing, and not the enemy's hurt.

Father, cleanse me.. lead me.. guide me.. refrain me.. teach me.

Lord, I need You more and more each day

Father, do you love me? How much?

Just the other day I was watching a video of Kim Walker giving her testimony of encountering God's love.

I started reflecting, and questioning.. "Lord, do you love me? How much do you love me Lord?" wanting to know and really experience how real His love is for me.

And on Good Friday, they played a short excerpt from the Passion of Christ - then I realised, He is answering me and showing me how much He loved me. He loved me so much that He went through all those physical pain, humiliation and degrading suffering which HE DID NOT DESERVE. He went through it for ME.

And I bet even if there was just one person in this whole world, He would still go through it to set that one person free.

Which is worse?

I wonder which is worse, to be persecuted or to be mentally, emotionally and publicly battered by your teacher?

Honestly, this is the toughest part of our road to be a teacher.

Lecturers tell us we're not ready.

We don't feel ready.

By the grace of God, and by the end of this programme - we will be ready.

Lord, please get me out of this sticky situation.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40

The Future

With posting forms ready for us to fill in, there's so much uncertainty.

Where will I be posted?

Where will he be posted?

What will happen to us?

Lord, only you know and help me to realise and believe that all your plans are good, as you are good.

A Chosen Race

I honestly pity the Jews of Israel as they fight to form their country. It is seen that they're stealing other people's land, but was it not theirs before they were chased out?

The point that struck me is that if these people do not manage to form Israel, where will they go to? Yes they can go to countries such as America and the UK, but.. do realise that with no place to call home - they're hated by at least one third of the world's population, due to religious teachings. The Palestinians, on the other hand, have the love, sympathy and support of all the surrounding Arab countries (correct me if I'm wrong) as well as other Muslim nations all around the world.

I wouldn't say that one party is at fault, when it takes two hands to tango or tangle.

However, I'm not sure if I'd think putting the Israelites under Palestine would be a safe option.. would you dare to go under the authority of people who despise you simply for your race?

I'm not campaigning against Palestine or saying 'side with Israel!' but just, hey.. look at another side of the picture. In Malaysia, it seems like people are mainly just looking at one side - but how about the other? We can't teach our kids to be holistic and critical thinkers if we take sides and then fight. Aren't we meant to step back, look at things before taking a stand? Well in fact, shouldn't we be peacemakers instead of hatebearers?

This is something from Wikipedia from the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, whether it's biased or not I don't know..

"Israel has grave concerns regarding the welfare of Jewish holy places under possible Palestinian control. When Jerusalem was under Jordanian control, no Jews were allowed to visit the Western Wall or other Jewish holy places, and the Jewish cemetery on the Mount of Olives was desecrated.^[55] In 2000, a Palestinian mob took over Joseph's Tomb, a shrine considered sacred by both Jews and Muslims, looted and burned the building and turned it into a mosque.^[56] There are unauthorized Palestinian excavations for construction on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, which could threaten the stability of the Western Wall.^{[citation needed]} Israel, on the other hand, has seldom blocked access to holy places sacred to other religions.^[57] Israeli security agencies routinely monitor and arrest Jewish extremists that plan attacks, resulting in almost no serious incidents for the last 20 years.^{[58][not in citation given]} Moreover, Israel has given almost complete autonomy to the Muslim trust (Waqf) over the Temple Mount.^[55]"

Realigning priorities

All of a sudden, I started coughing a little and could feel my throat getting a little sore - out of the blue.

I thought it'd get better by drowning those germs with water to flush them out of my system, but last night I developed a fever.

It wasn't a very high fever but somehow it affected me so much that my head was throbbing at every slight movement or even at a sip of water. I kept waking up almost every hour, just readjusting the way I sleep, the fan, etc. I felt horrible.

The next morning, I took some panadol and it did help a little.

However, I was doubtful if I would make it to the steamboat organised by TCF. The problem was, I really REALLY wanted to go! I was looking forward to it, inviting people.. and I had a feeling that at least one person who felt awkward being there if I didn't go.

I informed the committee I wasn't going.. Then that one person said he wasn't going since I wasn't going. NOOOO!! :( I just felt that it would be a waste for me to go and not be able to eat all that food, especially the lamb and beef.. after paying RM20!!

So I searched online, found someone who said steamboat will help you sweat out the fever, and decided that I will go!

And then it dawned upon me, that even though I can't eat all the food.. it's the fellowship I'm going for.

So there you go, a lesson from my fever. Priorities, people, priorities! Fellowship, and not food. Jesus asked us to love God and love one another, not love God and all the food He gave us to eat!

(sometimes I feel quite sad considering the amount of food we Malaysians and people in comfortable living standards, indulge in. Compare this to the people in poverty and famine, who don't even have their basic needs. HOW LEH?! :(( Feel so helpless sometimes)

Ok, fever.. now that you've taught me a lesson - please go away. Can or not? :)

"22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does. "

James 1:22-25

Yesterday at retreat, the night session was so filled with the Holy Spirit - that people who had issues, were set free from spiritual bondage.

Brothers and sisters, it is important that we forgive - unforgiveness, bitterness and hate opens up the door for the enemy.

I was filled with so much anger at how the enemy has ruined so many people's lives, how he could simply step on people and mess up their lives - causing so much hurt and pain. I felt also very sad in my spirit, because of all these people have gone through.. there must be a lot of pain. It is true, the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. And I hate him, so much, for the misery he wants to cause people.

We live in a broken world, full of broken people.

Only God can heal, only Jesus is the way, the truth and the life - no one goes to the Father except through Him.

Trust Him.